Kind of down
2003-11-25 10:15![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beowabbitI’ve been kind of down since I got back from visiting ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pheromone and 
Dreaming, despite having a great time with them. There are several clusters of reasons for that. One is discovering that both of them are likely to be spending great swaths of time away from Boston in the next year, rather than coming back “home”. I feel like I’ve just been losing people for years. If my support network is shrinking, why am I still here? Another cluster of reasons is probably envy: they’re both in situations where they feel able to make big changes in their lives, to take up new career and life-fulfilment paths, to take a year to travel, that sort of thing. Sure, I could make those same choices myself, but I feel like I’d have to sacrifice an awful lot. (And a lot of what I’d have to sacrifice would be the connections and friendships I still have, especially in Boston, and that’s something that’s directly opposed to my image of who I am.) A third cluster of reasons is having felt so comfortable at the party with Dreaming and his friends, and wishing I could go back to that stage in my life (which I guess is where some of the wanderlust comes from). And of course lots of these are connected to loneliness.
Hmmm... I didn’t mean to write so much, or be quite so self-revelatory. I was just going to say “been kind of down since I got back” and leave it at that, but I guess I needed to write. Y’all should not worry about me, though; I’ve felt this way before and I’ll feel this way again, and I’ve felt really good before and I’ll feel really good again, and for the most part I trust the stew-pot of my brain to make good soup eventually. (I originally wrote that I trusted the percolator of my brain to make good coffee eventually, but “percolator” and “good coffee” do not belong in the same sentence, whereas “stew-pot” and “Mmmmmm, brains!” definitely do.) Happy to be asked questions (in person) though if people feel like helping me think through stuff.
pheromone and Dreaming, despite having a great time with them. There are several clusters of reasons for that. One is discovering that both of them are likely to be spending great swaths of time away from Boston in the next year, rather than coming back “home”. I feel like I’ve just been losing people for years. If my support network is shrinking, why am I still here? Another cluster of reasons is probably envy: they’re both in situations where they feel able to make big changes in their lives, to take up new career and life-fulfilment paths, to take a year to travel, that sort of thing. Sure, I could make those same choices myself, but I feel like I’d have to sacrifice an awful lot. (And a lot of what I’d have to sacrifice would be the connections and friendships I still have, especially in Boston, and that’s something that’s directly opposed to my image of who I am.) A third cluster of reasons is having felt so comfortable at the party with Dreaming and his friends, and wishing I could go back to that stage in my life (which I guess is where some of the wanderlust comes from). And of course lots of these are connected to loneliness.Hmmm... I didn’t mean to write so much, or be quite so self-revelatory. I was just going to say “been kind of down since I got back” and leave it at that, but I guess I needed to write. Y’all should not worry about me, though; I’ve felt this way before and I’ll feel this way again, and I’ve felt really good before and I’ll feel really good again, and for the most part I trust the stew-pot of my brain to make good soup eventually. (I originally wrote that I trusted the percolator of my brain to make good coffee eventually, but “percolator” and “good coffee” do not belong in the same sentence, whereas “stew-pot” and “Mmmmmm, brains!” definitely do.) Happy to be asked questions (in person) though if people feel like helping me think through stuff.