This was an issue I struggled with for many years -- notably, the years between when it became obvious that bard_bloom and I were going to spend the rest of our lives together and when we decided to get formally married. A large part of the reason we didn't get married in that intervening time was my feelings that if my life had gone just slightly differently, I wouldn't have been able to marry my partner, so I didn't want to do it in this case. Over the course of time, I came to feel that the "silent protest" of not being married didn't really do any good for anyone. If one of your family works for a liberal company, it puts you in a worse situation than a gay couple -- IBM (Bard's company) offers benefits to married couples and to committed gay couples, but would not offer them to me if Bard and I were not married. Without those, I could not be home raising my son now. I decided being married, and a marriage rights activist would be the most effective approach.
Bard and I were married in New York, but by a UU minister, who would gladly have run the same ceremony for us had we been the same gender, even if the state would not have recognized it. That was good enough for me, to know the individuals involved would not have felt it mattered.
Ultimately, I'd like to see the state out of marriage, and easy ways to protect your family unit, no matter what the number and ender of people in it, put in place. But I think that supporting gay marriage now rather than the abolition of legal marriage is going to be much more effective.
If I were in your place, I'd go to the wedding party, but skip the ceremony, if that were possible. You'd still be making your point/being morally consistent, and you'd be celebrting with your family about a life transition that's personally important to her. (This isn't meant as advice or pressure, BTW, and I totally respect your thoughtful choice to do otherwise. It's really just an expression of what I would do in the situation.)
Good luck balancing family love and principles. It's not an easy road to walk.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2004-12-14 21:57 (UTC)Bard and I were married in New York, but by a UU minister, who would gladly have run the same ceremony for us had we been the same gender, even if the state would not have recognized it. That was good enough for me, to know the individuals involved would not have felt it mattered.
Ultimately, I'd like to see the state out of marriage, and easy ways to protect your family unit, no matter what the number and ender of people in it, put in place. But I think that supporting gay marriage now rather than the abolition of legal marriage is going to be much more effective.
If I were in your place, I'd go to the wedding party, but skip the ceremony, if that were possible. You'd still be making your point/being morally consistent, and you'd be celebrting with your family about a life transition that's personally important to her. (This isn't meant as advice or pressure, BTW, and I totally respect your thoughtful choice to do otherwise. It's really just an expression of what I would do in the situation.)
Good luck balancing family love and principles. It's not an easy road to walk.
Hugs,
Vicki